Worlds & Time

Monday, May 31, 2010

Way Down in the Hole

Just got back from what should have been a pleasant excursion to Montreal. It was the first time that I'd ever been there, and we were attending the bachelor party of a friend.

Still, I find myself unusually depressed recently. Not even for any good reason, but rather because my natural state seems to be mid-level despair, and my slight deviations upward and downward are between tolerable and, well, the hole. And yes, I've been watching a lot of The Wire recently. Great show.

Getting back to that other thing, I have to say that most people seem to be able to live for the good moments. I don't. Can't. It would be nice, but so would having a million dollars.

So, that brings me to something that has been at the forefront of my mind recently. There's a list of five people:
  1. My boyfriend
  2. My mother
  3. My father
  4. My brother
  5. Jeff
Those are the people that are keeping me alive, because those are the people that I would damage the most if I died. There are a few others that I love who aren't on that short list, however, I think they're strong enough to be sad but get over it. I'm looking at you, E and K.

These though, are the people that are so closely tied to me for some reason, that my death would disproportionately affect. These are the lives that remind me that, while I have nothing to live for personally, I need to smile and work for because they're looking to make sure that I do my daily rounds.

Strange though, that one of them is in a war zone, one of them is headed into a potential war zone. There's a strange inequity to life, that they're the ones that are putting themselves in harm's way while I sit here in Boston safe and sound.

It's unfair, is what it is.

However, I said I was unusually depressed right now, so I'll say what's on my mind: there are only five names. Just five. Two are living dangerously, two are getting older.

Only five names . . .