Worlds & Time

Monday, May 31, 2010

Way Down in the Hole

Just got back from what should have been a pleasant excursion to Montreal. It was the first time that I'd ever been there, and we were attending the bachelor party of a friend.

Still, I find myself unusually depressed recently. Not even for any good reason, but rather because my natural state seems to be mid-level despair, and my slight deviations upward and downward are between tolerable and, well, the hole. And yes, I've been watching a lot of The Wire recently. Great show.

Getting back to that other thing, I have to say that most people seem to be able to live for the good moments. I don't. Can't. It would be nice, but so would having a million dollars.

So, that brings me to something that has been at the forefront of my mind recently. There's a list of five people:
  1. My boyfriend
  2. My mother
  3. My father
  4. My brother
  5. Jeff
Those are the people that are keeping me alive, because those are the people that I would damage the most if I died. There are a few others that I love who aren't on that short list, however, I think they're strong enough to be sad but get over it. I'm looking at you, E and K.

These though, are the people that are so closely tied to me for some reason, that my death would disproportionately affect. These are the lives that remind me that, while I have nothing to live for personally, I need to smile and work for because they're looking to make sure that I do my daily rounds.

Strange though, that one of them is in a war zone, one of them is headed into a potential war zone. There's a strange inequity to life, that they're the ones that are putting themselves in harm's way while I sit here in Boston safe and sound.

It's unfair, is what it is.

However, I said I was unusually depressed right now, so I'll say what's on my mind: there are only five names. Just five. Two are living dangerously, two are getting older.

Only five names . . .

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5 Comments:

  • Hey, it's Michael (Noiutert on FARK). It's sad to hear that you're down and out right now, but to cheer you up, I've been trying to read all of your past blog posts for the last couple of hours and I just really enjoy reading what is on your mind, whether it's about your personal life, political views, book publishing rejections, past sexual escapades, or having that slut phase in your sex life. Though, I haven't read everything you posted yet.

    It's just strange that this could be my blog, in a sense that I post my thoughts here. The exception is that I ever rarely get depressed, but mostly jolly and joyful for what I have and enjoying the moments I have with everyone around me, whether it be electronic or human.


    Random Thought:
    You know, it's so easy to come out on the internet with people who personally don't know you, but it's more difficult to come out to your peers outside the internet. Although I don't consider myself 'gay', but rather 'queer' because I know I'm not straight, but I feel more attracted to guys than girls. I may share a gay quip about something or say that "Mr. X's looks hot from his nude pic" for example, but even with the sexual attraction, I feel like I have to keep it a secret about my love for other guys. The problem is that I come from a Filipino family, which is more pressure for me to get married and have kids, but they say I would need a woman to carry my "family genes" over to the next generation. Plus, my mom says that she hopes I don't turn out to be gay because she notices I do these gay stereotypical hand gestures which I never notice at all.

    That really hurts me emotionally because I do want children of my own to raise one day, I just prefer to have one with a partner/husband because I feel more comfortable to have a family that includes two dads or of the same sex.



    But hey, don't make it bad and don't be afraid. Just remember to let him into your heart and then you can start to make it better. So take a sad song and make it better, then you'll make it, Jude.

    ;)

    -Michael

    By Blogger MPN, at 8:12 AM  

  • Thanks for the cheer up, Michael.

    I do think it's easier to come out online. In my case, weirdly, sometimes it's easier to talk about the depression than being gay. After all, I have a boyfriend and I'm lucky enough to have family (on my side and his) that are fine with us being gay and happy to see us together.

    But depression is something else. It isn't something that you can talk about with a lot of people, especially when you're as depressed as I am. It makes people, even very close friends, very uncomfortable. After all, what can they say? They want me to feel better, but it doesn't work that way. "Feel better" sounds awfully hollow when you're talking about how relieved you'll be when you're dead.

    And, well, I just want to say that I hope your family eventually comes around. I'd try to make more of a recommendation, but I don't really know how. I'm happy for you that you at least understand that you can still have some of the things that your family wants for you without necessarily conforming exactly to their expectations.

    Cheers, and I'll see you around Fark.

    By Blogger Spherical Time, at 12:14 PM  

  • FYI, I still read this page each day and love you very much.

    By Blogger ashley, at 11:34 PM  

  • Thank you, Ashley. :)

    By Blogger Spherical Time, at 9:24 AM  

  • So after many months of being in the closet, I finally came out to my mom.

    My story is here:
    http://retronickshows.blogspot.com/2010/06/coming-down-and-out_26.html

    I'm still recovering from all of this, but I've been doing pretty well. After thinking she was being hostile of me becoming openly gay, I think she worries about me being not happy or even my safety from getting gay-bashed, for example.

    She also told me of our economic situations and she is worried that she may not find a job that will keep us steady and whanot. That made me terribly depressed because I felt as if me being open to her led her to tell me her problems, as if it ties to me being gay.

    By Blogger Toltendo, at 12:27 AM  

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