I don't know, maybe it's the way the game plays through battles for you. I don't know if I can handle that. Or the fact that I accidentally sold off all of my valuable items and now it may take years of battles to earn them back. I don't think that I can stand the mind numbing not participatory running around that it would require.
Playing in this way usually takes me 100 hours. The only game I've put more time into is FFVIII, and only because I've played through it about three full times.
So, just before I got sucked in, I was watching something mindless on MTV and realized that the new season of Real World has the hottest gay guy I've ever seen . . . and he's dating two women. He has this line about how he's from the South and he thought that if he dated enough women, he'd become ex-gay.
And then there's the black guy who hates (i.e. feels they are not following God's will) gay people. Now this cute gay boy may be dating women, but he's still gay. Watch the tension unfold.
And recently, I've been thinking, November 30th is the day that I will, undeniably, be too old to audition for the Real World. Granted, it's more than likely that I'm already too old, but it hasn't been undeniable. There's always some way to deny it.
I know this is shallow, but I've always wanted to be on the Real World. Always. I always watch it and say to myself, "ST, you always feel rejected and out of place. You always feel at odds with people. You would either be a great mediator, or the perfect jerk on the Real World. It is where you should be."
I even have an angle. I'm an evangelical atheist. A gay, liberal, evangelical atheist. They should be so lucky to have someone as controversial as I am in the house. Throw me in with a Islamic fundamentalist and watch the drama fly.
So, I've been really depressed recently, thinking about this. On the one hand, I was calling this guy and asking him to tape the interview, and on the other hand, I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it so I never pressed the issue.
But as crazy as it is, it's a dream. How ironic is that. The guy outside of the mainstream of society desperately wants to get into the Real World.
So here it is, just before the deadline, and I know I'd hate myself if I didn't try, the same way I still remember my most embarrassing moment and torture myself with it.
So I called the one person that I can rely on to help me out.
Its odd. I know only a few people in Santa Fe and Albuquerque, and the people I spend the most time with are my parents. I can't depend on my parents. I've said this before, but they don't emotionally support me. They're not there for me. Sometimes, when I'm really depressed, I think the reason that I'm so screwed up is because I have no basis for my life. The foundation that parents can give a kid is completely absent. I can begin or finish anything in my life.
So anyway, I called this guy, and he said he would do what he could to help me. He would drive from Albuquerque to Santa Fe to help me out.
He may not be able to help me. It's possible that he simply can't do it in time. But darn it, he'll try for me.
There's only two other people that I can think of that would try something like that for me, and I know that Elliott can't jump on an airplane a month before his wedding, and the other one I know doesn't have access to a video camera.
So maybe it will get in and maybe not. Most likely it will be too late, but I suddenly have this overwhelming need to try. To have tried. To be rejected or approved and not that vast middle ground of not caring and not being cared about.
Update: Eh, it's not going to happen. We couldn't find a camera.
So now the dreams of what could have been are officially gone. I'm too sad about it all to cry. It's all my fault, but I don't want it to be.
Back when I was lying, crying after having been hit by the car, and the police officer came in and told me that it wasn't my fault and everything was going to be okay? This is the opposite of that. Ah so.
What a stupid thing to be upset about, isn't it. I shouldn't be upset, I should be grateful that I lived through the car crash, that my family loves me, and that my brother survived Iraq and will survive it again. I should be upset about . . . something big. Not that there are big things in my life that I can think of.
In Final Fantasy, there are save points, and if you screw up, you can go back and try again. Where's the save point for real life, anyway?
Update 2: Over on the other side of this blog, someone actually posted a comment, and asked my what I thought they (I'm assuming the producers of the Real World) want to see. My answer became much longer than I expected, and I thought it was interesting, so I'm reproducing it here:
What do they want to see from me?
Well, first I'd explain the neck brace, and that because of it I'm out of shape and very sober. I'd allude to the fact that I am both better looking and a heavier drinker when I don't have a fractured C-2 vertebrae.
Then, I'd do my best to try to convince them that I'm a little bit lonely and and looking for friends. Perhaps I've been a little sheltered. I have big ideas, and I don't quite understand people that don't think the same way that I do. I want to be placed in a situation where I rely on the people that surround me, but I can be expected to cause lots of friction due to my almost naive belief that I really should speak my mind first, and think second.
Maybe I'd throw in a bit about how poor my family is, so that money will be an issue (even though I'll still wear my Abercrombie & Fitch jacket and designer t-shirts, which in reality I only have one pair of that my mother bought me). In conjunction, I might allude to a certain distance between my mother and myself, so that those teary calls home will only further dramatacize my situation, and my pleas for help will be met with a "You got yourself into this mess" response.
Even the fracture would have been a selling point. I'm recovering from a life-threatening injury, and I've been cooped up for months. Can I readjust to life in a new situation, or is that going to be too tough for me?
I see part of this opportunity as something of a writing challenge. On a reality show, its not so much the real person as the character, and characters need plot lines.
That's what I think they want to see, the potential for plot. If I was looking for characters, I would do exactly what they do, which is to find characters that fit certain moulds and cast them to create drama. The last few seasons have pretty consistently been:
1. One laid back straight guy that has abs from here to who knows where. Shirt off scenes a must. He'll have to drink, and he'll want to hook up. A current girlfriend with whom to be conflicted upon later is a possibility but not a requirement.
2. The jock with huge muscles and a fairly limited mindset. Can be black or perhaps Hispanic. Shirt off scenes a must, as is being uncomfortable around homo eroticism. Conservative or neo-conservative can be one of their traits.
3. Gay guy. Limited inhibition required. The desire to socialize (i.e. drink) with straight friends required. A few seasons back they had an older recovering alcoholic gay guy as a roommate, which turned out to be a disaster because his storyline (the ex-alcoholic thing) was both boring and AA meetings don't allow cameras. The gay thing was controversial, but only for two episodes. It was almost a lost character.
4. The Southern belle or princess is the girl from a lower upper class background or similar. This girl is fashionable, and has a boyfriend, so that later after a few kisses with an available heterosexual male she can call him crying. She's resistant to new ideas, but only because she's unfamiliar with them. May or may not be a drama queen.
5. The emotional girl. She wants to get her way, but can't see that her emotional problems will necessarily lead to pain and suffering on her way. Medical problems are not required, but are helpful. These problems are despite the fact that she is still thin and relatively pretty, so eating disorders are not unheard of.
6. There's usually a minority that overlaps with some of the familiar characteristics, but may be considered "new" to the MTV crowd. Latinos are underrepresented on MTV, for example, but it could be of any racial or religious background so long as it doesn't preclude pre-marital sex and drinking.
That's only six characters, and a cast is typically seven, so they often double up roles. I haven't seen much of the current season, but I seem to remember that there are two black conservative guys. Last season, it was two laid back guys. A few seasons back they had two gay guys (one of whom was also the black guy).
Once they've found the cast, the thing should write itself. I've always wanted to be involved with that sort of thing, and I don't know why. Maybe to see if I'd come off well, or to see if I could handle it. Maybe secretly I just want to be close to the laid back guy with the great abs.