Worlds & Time

Saturday, December 23, 2006

No Christmas

So, I realized sometime today that I didn't know when Christmas was, as in I had no idea how many days away it was. I had to check a calender to see what todays date was and then I had to check to see when Christmas was (yes, I know how moronic that is. The date had just slipped my mind for some reason).

I've been a strong atheist for probably a bit more than a year now, and before that I was determinedly agnostic for the better part of my life.

My mother is a bad Catholic and only my father knows what my father believes, and we've always celebrated Christmas, and most years we celebrate at least one night of Hannukah, and/or Winter Solstice, and/or New Years.

This year though, things are a bit different. We're not exchanging presents this year, for one. That makes it easy for me, because since I broke my neck I don't have much money or the ability to do arts and crafts. Instead, we're going to drive into town and each a fancy brunch at a hotel.

And, everyone's worried about my brother, who's a Marine reservist that will be shipping back to Iraq in January.

Altogether, it doesn't feel like a holiday season. Everything feels not much different than mid-February. I don't see holiday displays because I'm not out and about, and I'm not worried about Christmas because I don't have to plan for it. I'll just sit at home until brunch. All the decorations are in my mom's place, and she doesn't have as many as usual because one of her dogs decided to start eating ornaments after six years of ignoring the tree.

I may be an atheist, but I like Christmas and the holiday season. I have to admit that it's nice to have the family around, and to get and give presents, and all the charitable and good will stuff that doesn't need a silly religious reason. The placement of Christmas, as a solstice celebration makes that fairly obvious.

I don't know, but without that feeling, I feel sort of alone and drifting. I mean, I've had problems with my family for years now, and the only reason I'm interacting with them on a constant basis is because I need their help with my broken neck. Since getting together isn't something special, and the holiday mood obviously missed me, I'm sort of worried about lashing out due to the dreariness of the whole thing.

Everyone's gone as well, and thats in even a more lonely place. Good Friend 1 called me a few days ago (or sometime. I loose track of when things happen as I don't have reference points). I actually had something I'd meant to give him for a while, but he's going to Florida for nearly a month.

Good Friend 2 didn't even say anything before he left. I was hoping he'd call or something, and I thought I dropped him an email, but I haven't heard from him. Stopped by his Myspace and someone mentioned that he'd left for a long trip to South America.

All this loneliness is also puzzling me because I know I'll see friends soon. I'll probably see rigs in a few days, and I'll see Elliot and maybe J. in January when I fly out to New York.

Still, everything's empty. I don't like that feeling.

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