On The Other Side

Let's pretend for a moment that I'm Satan. I know it's not much of a stretch, I am a liberal gay strong atheist with Buddhist tendencies. You can't get much closer than that, so bear with me.

A few millennia back, I was thrown out of heaven for being proud enough to offer a choice to mankind, and then, two thousand years ago my opponent, God, decided to write down a script of what would happen if I ever faced him again just to rub salt in my wounds.

Assuming that I've actually read this future prophecy, or at least the much simplified Left Behind version, I know what's going to happen.

Or, I know what would happen if I ever faced God directly again.

I have to say, I'm still a proud guy. I don't like losing, and I don't like it when the big guy rubs my face in the dirt. And now I've got the 100% inerrant manual to how I'm going to loose next time.

So what am I going to do? I'm not going to do anything.

It's odd, if you're going to hand someone the manual to the game, which clearly states that I'm going to lose at the end, perhaps you should have asked me if I was willing to play the game.

I'm not incidentally. I'm not going to play the game. I mean, you have to understand that playing any rigged game is boring.

So, I've moved to the U.S., and I vacation in Asia and South America. Being gay helps avoid unwanted kids, so don't expect to see a popular European president take over at the UN any time soon. I'm not going to make the mistake of putting my foot on that path. If you're going to wait for the anti-Christ to call, you're going to be waiting for a long, long time.

Until I break down and play your little game, we have to deal with existence. I actually like existence. One of the nice things about it is that the people here (or at least most of the people here) try to make their lives better. Instead of this "wait until Christ comes for us" attitude, most of the people of Earth have embraced the idea that this life is worth living.

That's a great idea, especially since "the end" isn't due until I take some action.

Let me just say to all the normal people out there: if you're not a Christian, don't worry about hell. I became a Secular Humanist years ago. I know all the true Christians are sitting around, nodding their heads knowingly, totally unsurprised that it was my idea. They were right, it's a Satanic idea.

Anyway, you've probably heard through the Catholic Church that Limbo's closing down. You're probably wondering why. After all, if you read Dante, it sounds like the nicest part of hell. And it was. Of course, most people don't know that the concept of Limbo only existed so that I could remodel hell.

Hell's actually nice now. It was created with some problems, but I've had enough really good nuclear engineers for long enough that they've warmed up the cold parts and air conditioned the warm parts. The atmosphere there now is temperate and pleasant.

With so many people coming in recently, finding the labor to change things down there wasn't hard. it turns out that there are just as many hard workers in hell as there are lazy people.

If you think that New York City is a busy place, you should see Dis. Goes on forever. The air quality isn't great, but the food is amazing, and it never sleeps. It's got some great nightclubs, and you wouldn't believe the art that comes out of that place.

I've wandered off topic though.

Christians always seem to think that I'll go through with my plan. But really, haven't they realized by now that I've stopped playing? It's been two thousand years since I even talked to Him, and we both know that He's not going to come crawling to me to ask me to play my role.

In the mean time, I'm planning on going to Miami Beach to catch some sun, and maybe meet a cute guy.