Worlds & Time

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Need A Girlfriend

I went out to a bar called Barracuda today. Not in honor of Sarah Palin, but because it was the only place on a list of five clubs that I was planning on going to that I could actually find.

Still, I'm alone in my room now, typing on my computer because one of the only two people that acknowledged my presence tonight was one of those girls that likes to hang out with gay guys.

I know what the term is. I just don't feel like using it right now.

The other person was the coat check guy, so he doesn't count.

I wish I had someone like that, who I could call and take to a gay club that is willing to go but probably won't end up leaving with the guy that I like at the end of the night. Someone who will talk and listen and laugh at my stupid jokes.

The reason that I went out is because I just feel so alone here in New York. The irony is staggering; I'm in probably the most densely populated English speaking city and I'm alone. Well, I am.

I didn't stay long because I suddenly felt that it was futile. Well, that's not quite true; it wasn't sudden. I've felt that way for a solid week now.

It does feel futile. The people that I know are . . . well, not like me. I suddenly realize how completely stupid it was to think that I might be able to recreate the happy times in my life by moving back to the same city as Elliot or to a place with gay guys. I could barely talk to gay guys in New Mexico; talking to them here in NYC is going to be nearly impossible.

Of course, with this depression comes the mindnumbingly stupid behavior: I bought real meat today and ate it. I'm putting on weight again, and I don't have a gym membership. I spent money that I don't have buying books (The Watchmen, actually. It was amazingly good. I just finished it just before I started writing this entry).

What am I going to do with myself?

I don't know how I'm going to meet people. I can't meet people through friend one because he's Jewish and gay Jewish guys don't date the shiska equivalent guys. I can't meet people through friend two because he exists in an extremely superficial and wealthy world that doesn't contain people, only objects that move and speak. I don't seem to meet people by myself because I can't connect in clubs or just in quick random moments.

So that leaves work, and I'm having trouble finding a job again. Of course. Why would the universe gift me with good luck? The economy tanks just as I start searching for employment.

I will say that I am in a now confusing long distance pseudo relationship, which is making all this even worse because now I have someone that is theoretically there for me even though I'm alone nearly all the time. And I've lost a valuable vent toward looking for a relationship or even figuring out what the hell kind of relationship this long distance thing is.

The lesson here, of course, is that if you only have one person that you feel that you can trust to talk to about relationships, make sure that you don't go and inadvertantly start a relationship with that person.

He once suggested that I would regret having sex with him. Do I regret the sex? No. I regret the relationship. At the same time, I want to grab hold of the relationship so tightly that I can't let go and close my eyes and imagine that the rest of the universe has disapeared. Douglas Adams once suggested that the entire universe can be examined through the measurement of a slice of fairy cake. If I could, I'd make that guy my slice of fairy cake.

Of course, that has three significant drawbacks. First, as my first sorta relationship taught me, these things are like snowflakes and holding them too tightly will make them melt away so quickly. Second, it's not healthy to withdraw from the world. Third, I don't know that this relationship has a long future. I try to imagine pushing it out in the future, and I just don't see it.

Perhaps the relationship would be simpler without sex, if it was a girl instead of a guy. Or perhaps I just need both at the same time, without overlap. Or I need to find it one person at the same time.

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5 Comments:

  • YOU CAN CALL ME WHENEVER, JUST SO YOU KNOW. :D I shudder to think I am one of those terms you don't feel like mentioning...I just like YOU.

    By Blogger Ashley, at 5:54 AM  

  • Wow, angsty, well written and a farker to boot.

    You sir, have my vote.

    bionicFAG on fark; yup, not nearly enough weiners on there.

    Funny, I feel alone in my relationship of almost 17 years. My buddy in LA says we're "leather widows" since we're both into kink but our partners don't even want vanilla sex. Oh well, it's still a relationship, albeit undersexed. These things have more value than the sex. After all, in Dallas, where I live, I know I could go to a number of bars and hook up. I don't. Ever. But I know I could.

    Liquid courage may have to be involved, but it's an option. Fortunately for me (and my partner) I prefer having some depth -- hell, even in our 20s when we "played" with others, we always talked first.

    Think of meeting people this way -- it's just you taking a small risk to strike up a conversation, or dance, or whatever. The worst that can happen is you'll feel embarrassed, and if you do it a few times that won't bother you. And the best that can happen is that you can end up in love.

    It can happen...

    carry on...

    By Blogger Will, at 12:57 AM  

  • Thanks for the empathy Will. It is very much appreciated. I'm a little toasted at the moment, so I can't respond more intelligently, but it definitely is something that i need to work on.

    Also, I'll keep my eye out on fark. Not the best place to meet guys, true, but a good place for the communal snark.

    By Blogger Spherical Time, at 9:01 PM  

  • This post broke my heart. Why haven't you called me yet? Just say the word and I'll be out of Trenton like a bat out of...well, NJ Transit.

    I miss you.

    xoxo,
    Hallie

    By Anonymous Hallie, at 4:31 PM  

  • Hey ST,

    I was just finally getting involved over at TR and noticed you hadn't posted there in forever. Assuming you remember me, if you ever come up to the Albany, NY area, give me a buzz.

    I hope you find some people in NYC. Anyway, I'm glad you're OK. Well, OK compared to other reasons I imagined for no postings.

    - Ben

    By Anonymous benjdm, at 11:39 PM  

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